The blog post from "The Other Side"......

It's been five days since I experienced the Conan O'Brien "Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Television" show in Seattle, WA. For five days it has been percolating in my mind, bubbling and rolling and sloshing around in all the vacant space up there...... For five days I have been trying to decide on the right words to express just what I saw and felt and tasted.....And now, as I finally sit to put words to screen - I am still coming up short. Instead of stretching my already overtaxed brain to the limits, I am just going to drag you, the Gentle Reader, along with me as I recount the day that was April 18th, 2010.

As my sexy husband (we'll call him "Ryan") and I were pulling into the metropolis that is downtown Seattle, a Nirvana song suddenly came blaring over our radio, and we knew we were in for a particularly kick-ass night! That feeling left as quickly as it at materialized as I tried to negotiate the printed Map Quest map my husband had thrust toward me as we rocketed off the freeway and into the maze of Seattle side streets. It didn't take long for us to notice that none of the streets meet a 90-degree angle, they just kind of randomly jet off in whatever direction they damn well feel like. We had to do a little doubling-back, but eventually we found our hotel. I was feeling pretty dang accomplished at this point.

We parked in front of said hotel, and Ryan ran in to see if they would let us check in early. I decided to orient myself, and using the crappy Map Quest map and reading the names of our side streets, I spent 10 minutes flipping the paper in every direction and trying to find where we might be in Seattle. Finally, my Tourist Sense started to tingle and I glanced over my right shoulder. There towered the mighty Seattle Space Needle in all its sparkly white glory. When Ryan emerged, I didn't tell him how unobservant I had been.....I figured he'd have plenty more opportunities to laugh at me throughout the day (and I was right!)

He and I walked to Seattle Center to check out some of the local atmosphere. Immediately we were struck by how beautiful and artsy this area of Seattle was. My fat and unfit ass also noticed that it is built on a lot of hills. I told my ass to shut up and on we walked. As we had arrived at lunch time, Ryan and I were hungry, so we decided to try and find the McMenamin's Pub that we knew to be just a block or two from McCaw Hall, where we'd be seeing La Coco later that evening. In order to get there, we had to walk all the way around the hall. And that is when we spotted the tour buses. I immediately recognized them as belonging to the road crew for "Prohibited".....and I had the most overwhelming urge to pound on the doors to see if Bley was taking a crap on either of them. Alas, my more sensible husband reminded me how restraining orders can put a cramp in concert experiences....So on we trudged....

After lunch and a couple of fine beers, we found our way back to the Space Needle. Not having the time or finances to actually go up in the thing, we did explore the wonder that is the "Gift Shop." Our children needed local crap, and they were jam-packed with it. A few key chains, magnets, and water bottles later, it was getting close to the Monorail Meet-Up. I can't tell you how cool it is that Seattle has a monorail, when it just so happens that Conan's most famous (and brilliant) Simpson's episode was the one featuring a monorail. It was so perfect, it was almost surreal.....And even better, we got to meet up with some fellow CocoNuts to experience it! First we met Phan, then Sara, then Sam arrived, then Regina....We all piled on and took the amazing ten-minute adventure that showed us some of the amazing Seattle architecture. Then - it was time for Jabu's!

Jabu's is a just two blocks from McCaw Hall. CocoNut Nancy had worked hard to arrange a meet-up for us that was also a fund raiser for Stiller Strong. It is a very cool dark-wood-and-neon old school kind of bar. We were immediately greeted by the awesome Nancy....as well as a room full of lesbian softball players. At first, we weren't exactly sure how our crazy Coco-nuttiness would blend with their sportiness..... but it soon became apparent that these were the coolest lesbian softball players EVER! They not only gave up money for our cause, they also entertained us with some amazing karaoke and, when the time came, they donned party hats and helped us sing "Happy Birthday" to Conan.

Speaking of karaoke, we did manage to warble some. I myself jumped into a duet of "Surrender" with Sam.... I cannot sing worth beans but I love the song! Later, we got the whole group to join in on "Freebird." I had just enough alcohol in me and enough lesbians cheering for us that it truly felt like an epic moment. The latest tally we have, BTW, is just over $200 that we raised for Haiti... Nancy is a superstar!!

Before we knew it, it was time to walk to the show. We decided to leave our party hats on, to show Conan some birthday love. McCaw hall is a large, beautiful structure dripping with culture and artsy-fartsiness. Primarily used to showcase opera, it had lots of windows and sculptures and real wine glasses instead of plastic cups. This was true of every level....I know, because we had to climb to the veeerrrryyyy tippy top to find our seats. We were up pretty high. I passed a sherpa on the way to the ladies' room. But - the hall is built in such a way that there are no obstructed views or bad seats. We could see a lot of the floor below us, and it was fun to try and find party hats among the crowd.

Now, as for the show itself - out of respect for my fellow CocoNuts who have not yet seen it, you will get no spoilers from me. Suffice to say I laughed until I thought I would pass out, I screamed, I cried, I peed (in the bathroom, yeesh!) and it was all over way too soon. Seeing Conan after all the time of not seeing or hearing him was almost surreal. There were times I wondered if it was all a dream....but I knew my mind was not capable of dreaming up such hilarity....not in a million years. Not with a million monkeys typing.

When it was all over, of course I got the T-shirt (otherwise I could not say "Been there, done that, got the T-shirt) and a key chain besides. Conan now follows me wherever I drive! Ryan and I went out for another drink afterward, and some food. At midnight we walked back to our hotel and reveled in the memories that we had just made - and the new friends as well. The next morning we went to breakfast on Pike Street with some old friends and then made our way back home to Oregon. It still kind of seems odd that it is over, that the show we'd been talking about since before it was even really a "thing" was in the old memory banks. Would I do it again? You bet, in a heartbeat. Would I change anything? Well, I might try to find a way to pause time for just a second, while Conan was on stage doing his thing, to really try and grasp the enormity of it. Maybe then I could find the right words to make you all understand just what this experience meant to me... And that's all you need, right? Me, finding more words....

Tomorrow is that thing with that guy!!

I figured that this would be an excellent time to write a "Waiting for Coco" blog post....after all, at this time tomorrow, my husband and I will be in Seattle, getting ready to experience the awesomeness that is the "Conan O'Brien Legally Prohibited from Being Funny on Televison" tour/extravaganza.... So my mind is probably just about bursting with all sorts of thoughts and feelings and excited musings, correct?

Nope. My mind is surprisingly quiet right now. Don't get me wrong, it is not from lack of excitement.....I believe it is from too much excitement. Human Behavior specialists would probably tell you that at this moment in time, I am "over-stimulated." Which sounds like a really great thing...."If stimulated is good, then over-stimulated must kick ass!!" But instead of walking around all joyous and obnoxiously cheerful (like I was yesterday - man, you wouldn't have wanted to be near me yesterday....) I am quiet, pensive, a little edgy. One might say irritable. Another one might say bitchy. I think I agree with the latter.

I've been like this before in my life....the day of my wedding, I think I made the photographer cry... He deserved it, making me smile so damn much. I've had three kids NATURALLY (do NOT get me started on this subject, you really don't want to know. Really. Trust me) and there is this part of labor they call "transition" wherein the laboring mother becomes quiet and loses her usually chipper sense of humor. My husband refers to those moments as "the times when the laughter died." That was sort of like now, although I am not currently in a hospital gown with my ass hanging out, so my mood is somewhat brighter...

I guess I am not just excited, but beyond excited. My brain has tossed around the idea of the show and the Conan and the people and the Seattle-ness of the day so much that it finally overloaded. Now in my mind's eye I see snippets of Woody Woodpecker cartoons and can hear distant echos of Muzak....(Hey, The Carpenters! I'm on the top of the world, looking down on creation...) and that's about it. When I try to imagine what tomorrow will bring, I get a fuzzy "Max Headroom" static and then more cartoons. When I try to picture the venue and the stage and the giddy anticipation, I get more Muzak (John Denver this time.) So I guess tomorrow can't get here soon enough. I am afraid that what is left of my brain will begin to like this little vacation, and decide to stay AWOL for awhile.... Not that being brainless is a bad thing. I hear there are NBC execs who have done it for years! (OOOOHHH, BURN!!) Yes, even nearly catatonic I can manage to crack an NBC joke. Guess I'm not as totally gone as I thought...

When next I blog, I will have had the Conan experience under my belt and locked tightly in my memory banks. Hopefully, I will be back to my zany old self again. But, if I do end up stuck in permanent bitch mode, someone remind me that I am supposed to work hard and be kind. Please? I would hate to become cynical so late in the game.....I would probably suck at it, which would make me even more cranky...

TBS - the best of all the BS! ( Wait, what??)

What a crazy, hazy, upside-downy time to be a Conan O'Brien fan, eh? (I imagine it is even crazier to be a Conan O'Brien right about now, but only one person gets to do that and I don't want to make my target reading audience too narrow....) Not four months ago he was sitting as the Crown Prince of Late Night, and from that time to this he has been unfairly dethroned, unemployed, silenced, bearded, unsilenced via Twitter, in talks with Fox (in a box wearing socks), announcing a tour, going on said tour, and in what has to be the head-snappingest turn of all - signing on for a late night stint on TBS. There was an actual audible "gasp" that went up when this news hit the 'nets...followed by one unified "Wha.....???" But then the syncopation stopped, and everyone seemed to have their very own opinion on the matter. Many, like myself, shook off the surprise pretty quickly and rejoiced that our Big Red funnyman would be returning to our TVs before the year was out. In our estimation, 2010 was turning out to be not so bad after all..... For others, the news took a little longer to grow on them. Yet others....well, lets just say TBS was not their first choice, or even 101st choice. That 7-11 parking lot looked more promising to them. And to some degree, I understand the disappointment. At first glance, cable could seem like a step down. A steep one. With no handrails.

I was reminded of a joke as this whole thing was unfolding....I don't remember who told it or when, but I remember the gist of it. A guy is crawling through the desert, no food or water, sun beating down on his head.....He crawls along through the blistering sand, thinking every moment could be his last. He collapses in the sand, waiting for the vultures overhead to descend, when a shadow falls across him. Thinking he is hallucinating, he is surprised when strong hands lift him to the back of a camel. He is taken to a sparking oasis, and he is lead to a shaded area surrounded by all kinds of beautiful tropical plants. A gorgeous woman in harem garb approaches with a tall glass of water. Just as she is lifting it to his parched lips, he lifts his haggard eyes to meet hers and barely manages to croak..."What, no ice?"

Now, I am not suggesting that Conan was doing as badly as our friend in the desert. He is a very talented man, and he would always have prospects. The problem is, and was, that the timing of all of this stunk like last week's roadkill. No one was ready to welcome Mr. O'Brien into the bosom of their late-night schedule, because there was just no room. The networks couldn't drop everything and rearrange their contracted shows, and Fox couldn't persuade their affiliates that the time for change was upon them....not on such short notice. So here was a major-league hitter with no team to play for....so yeah, he may as well have been crawling around the desert, until TBS rode up on that camel! (Watch out, they spit!!)

Is it the perfect scenario? No, not at all. Is it what Conan deserves? Hells to the no, we all know he should still be sitting at the helm of the Tonight Show.....or even better, running his own Coco network -- all Conan, all the time! Talk about ice cubes in your water!! But.....it is what it is, and we all also know that whatever Conan O'Brien touches turns to pure awesome. If any one person could take TBS from the depths of adequacy to the height of the late night heap, it would be he. Or him. Whatever is grammatically correctest. Now, we all get the privilege of sitting back and watching television history unfold before us.....and that doesn't happen just every day. So thanks to TBS for recognizing greatness when it string-dances in front of you....we appreciate it, and we appreciate the chance to see our Coco spin on his mark again. Spin, funnyman, spin!! We'll be watching....

THIS IS NOT A DRILL! It's real! It's here! It's really here!!

When I was a little kid, Christmas took FOREVER to arrive. I would bug my mother all year long to look through the pages of the calendar, assessing just how much longer I had to wait. By about Halloween, the countdown became almost unbearable, and Thanksgiving seemed like a giftless torture practice session. As the season progressed, and the tree went up and the stockings were hung, my anticipation drove me to such a frenzied state that when the big day actually arrived, my euphoria almost killed me. I couldn't breathe deep enough, I couldn't focus on any one thing for more than a minute without my head threatening to explode. Yes, I was an excitable child. And I have recently found out that I am not much calmer as an adult.
Today, Christmases are a whole different ballgame. Now, as a parent, it befalls me to make my own kids go into joy-induced annual comas while juggling all the other craziness of the season as well. I still love that holiday, but it isn't the same as it once was. What IS promising to be a volcano of happy is the "now real" Conan tour. Much like Christmas, I have been counting it down ever since I bought the tickets... Luckily it has only been a matter of weeks, but even still it felt as if it would never get here. On the eve of the first concert, Conan and crew have been photographed hanging out with fans in Eugene, OR. This is comparable to the weather man mentioning that Santa has been spotted over houses just a few time zones away. He is real! He is coming!! And in just a matter of time, I going to experience him!! My adult mind can't process this any better than my child mind did....
When the actual day rolls around, I wonder if I will be able to play it cool? Will I stroll maturely along the sidewalks of Seattle, hand in hand with my husband, taking in the local sites and chatting amiably about the show to come? OR....will I be running up and down the streets, dashing into restaurants and storefronts hoping for a peek of a random band member, screaming up at hotel balconies in the hopes that Conan himself would step out to tell me to shut the hell up? Will I attack unsuspecting red heads who are out for a stroll, women and children included?? Will I burst into tears as I stand in line to show my tickets, making security guards just a little tense and causing my husband to state he'll never let me have Kahlua before a comedy show again??
As I look back on the childhood Christmases of yore, I now realize that a large part of the magic came in the waiting. I wonder if this will be the case of the Conan show, too. Maybe it could never live up to my expectations...or maybe it will surpass them. All I know is that one week from right this moment, I will have already been and gone again. All of the "going to be" moments will have become memories. That bright, shiny package under the tree will be laid open, and I'll finally know if it is a kick-ass Barbie Town House or a whole bunch of underwear. No matter what, I will appreciate the gift and feel warm and tingly for even getting it....(But deep down, I am rooting for the Town House!)

Can we blame Greenspan for this, too?

Our nation is in a recession. I get that, I know it, the people on those "Cash 4 Stolen Gold" commercials remind me of it every time I watch cable TV. I also know that in a recessed economy there is not only a lack of money but also a lack of resources. As a result, people are broke AND they can't get tomatoes on their Subway sandwich because tomatoes are crazy expensive and no one would buy a "15-dollar footlong." It doesn't work in the jingle. So everything is madness, and we have to buckle down and learn to do without a lot of the luxuries we once took for granted.
One thing I don't understand, however, is the lack of humor in current comedy. I mean, I know I am getting OLD, so my frame of reference is pretty broad, but I swear I remember a time when comedy on TV was funny. I remember laughing. It really doesn't seem like it was long ago, either....Maybe January?? Anyway, I can only conclude that the recession has trickled down into the world of comedy, and now humor is scarce. The thing is, though, that we as people need to laugh. It is a necessity of life, like breathing and love and caffeine. So now, much like people are settling for day trips instead of full vacations and boxed hair color over visiting the salon, they are also learning to laugh at things that aren't really funny....but will do in a pinch. They are desperate for laughter, and any laugh is better than none, right?

Wrong. These people are panicking. They are hysterical (and not the good "ha ha" kind.) They are thinking with their hearts instead of their heads. I am going to now symbolically slap them across the face (imagine, if you will, a sharp "slap" sound), shake them by their theoretic shoulders, and type boldly at them to get a grip!! Laughing just for laughter's sake is not worth it. Life is too short to commit to half-assed experiences. You can buy two cases of cheap beer for what it costs to buy a six-pack of the good stuff....but the premium beer will give you the better drinking event, and you won't end up peeing every six minutes either. You can rent an armful of bad movies for the price of one premium theater ticket, but the theater experience will transport you -- and with no late fees. And no J-Lo. You can set up a tent in your backyard all summer long, but it won't rival one night in a lodge at Yellowstone. Even with the bears attacks. You get my drift. Quality over quantity. There is no reason to settle for mediocrity, no reason to sacrifice excellence, no reason to watch Leno....
But even with all of that understood, here is the rub....
(Shakespeare.....yeah, I know stuff....)
The "comedy drought" that seems prevalent in our entertainments today is pretty much non- existent. There is funny everywhere, but you have to know where to look..... Classic British movie parodies, current British anything, random smart television sitcoms, rogue comedy tours (Hi, Conan!!), anything with Tina Fey, people who hang out on "I'm With Coco," Garfield comics, Flo the Progressive lady, C-SPAN, wedding dances on YouTube, pinata crotch-hits on AFV, robot skeleton sidekicks....There is SO much to laugh at out there, so much humor to be mined and enjoyed...There really is no excuse for sub-par comedy. None. Pandering to the lowest comedy denominator just isn't going to cut it. At least it shouldn't We all need to rise up, en masse, and tell those in charge of poor comedy programming that we are on to their little game, and we deserve better!

Take note, NBC.... We are bored as hell, and we aren't going to take it any more. Put that in your "Marriage Ref" and smoke it....

An "Open Letter" to Letterman Letter....

Dear David Letterman....

I blame you.

More specifically, I had some very substantial hopes pinned on your sarcastic shoulders, and you have not as yet delivered. As a consequence, I feel you are somewhat responsible for the terrible atrocities befalling television audiences across this great nation of ours.......

But I am getting ahead of myself. Please, allow me to explain.

I know that you are well aware of the whole NBC Tonight Show debacle. While you more than once claimed "I don't have a dog in this race" you did take some time to express an opinion or two on the matter.....and in those moments I never loved you more. Seriously, you knocked it right out of the ballpark. It seemed that we, the fans of Conan O'Brien, had an ally of sorts....Someone who knew the situation, knew what an ass Leno can be, and had the gumption to put it all out there. Our hearts swelled. (In a good way, not a "needing medical attention" way...)

And then......Super Bowl Sunday. The strangest television commercial ever to be aired in the history of televised media spilled itself across millions of screens.....There was you (not so bad) sitting next to Oprah (who had recently fallen out of favor with many for hosting a self-serving Leno whine-fest on her show) who in turn was sitting next to.....No!! Seriously? How could...SERIOUSLY? My head spun around this issue so rapidly that I ended up with whiplash of the soul..... I still don't really understand it, although I resolved to put it behind me. I decided, after trying out a plethora of new "cuss words" that the kids kick around these days, to forgive. After all, it was only one little commercial. AND -- the true nature of the beast would be unleashed when Leno returned opposite you, and you could turn your fire hose of ire and wit and anger on full blast in his face..... That would be worth watching.

Only......

It never happened. Sure, there have a been a few jabs tossed into your monologue - passing references, really. Nothing hard ball. And then......crickets. Not a peep. Even worse than that, and I hope you don't take this as too much of an insult, but you haven't exactly "stepped things up" over there at the Ed Sullivan Theater. We who do NOT enjoy Leno in any capacity were looking forward to seeing him return and fail. We were expecting you would bring your "A" game, bring out the big stars, do some big stunts, make the late night viewing audiences say "Leno who??".... And that did not happen. At ALL. Instead, he was allowed to waltz right back into the first place ratings spot. As the great and notable author Ernest Hemingway would have so eloquently stated...."What the hell???"

So is it fair to blame you? Probably not. You are just doing your job after all. Maybe the issue doesn't really mean anything to you. Maybe all the supposed hostilities betwixt yourself and Mr. Leno are just a fabrication for the press. Or, to give you more of a benefit of the doubt, maybe you have a more long-term card up your sleeve which, when played, will make the whole of the viewing audience gasp "OHHHHHHH!" In unison. THAT would be cool.

To conclude, Mr Letterman....In the words of my own beloved mother, I am not angry with you, but I am disappointed. If the guilt of that statement does not make you get off your Top-Ten reading behind and open up a can or two of New York-style whoop ass.....Well then, you are not the bitter old man I hoped (and prayed) you were. And yes, I know this is not "your fight"....but when it comes down to the age-old axiom of right vs. wrong, good vs. evil....isn't it really everyone's fight?

Sincerely,

Valerie Zwald
Coconut

Tell me antother story, Mama!!

Tales of good vs. evil are as old as time itself....and everyone loves a good battle. The latest late night saga has certainly evolved into the stuff of heroes and anti-heroes, bravery and deceit.... All we need are some singing animals, pixie dust and a poisoned apple and we could have a full-out fairy tale. Only in this case, the bad guy doesn't get slain in the end....With any luck, however, he gets his ass handed to him on a not-so silver platter....

In one corner, we have the "good guy" - Valiant Prince Coco. With his mane of luxurious hair, his charming smile, and "super monologue" powers, he is a hero indeed. Having been mistreated and tossed out of his kingdom, he now roams the countryside with his band of talented misfits (or will in five days) bringing hope and laughter to a nation that at one timed seemed doomed to cynicism.
In addition to our Pale Prince, there is a small band of folk who have shown their mettle in these tough times, and who have risen to the rank of "hero" in the eyes of the Coco Kingdom dwellers. Included among these amazing people are artist Mike Mitchell, who painted a portrait that started a revolution, and then built a website to back it up; Mike's lovely wife Lauren, who allowed her life to be turned upside down for this noble cause; Hollywood actor Tom Hanks, who not only made the "Coco" nickname stick, he also offered Conan a nightly gig in his own bedroom; Hollywood actor Will Ferrell, who let it be known that he might just get sick if asked to appear on a certain show, And just last night musician Slash showed some ballaciousness when he did appear on said show....wearing an "I'm With Coco" button. Conan's sidekick in residence Andy Richter did his duty on "Regis and Kelly" by setting some misinformation straight and putting a certain big-chinned evil doer in his place. Also rising to the cause - Justin Bretter, a fellow Coconut who turned a photo op into a major "win" and Shannon Perry, who along with the ad agency LAMAR is plastering Coco's visage from one shore to the other....for free. There are many others who have fought the good fight - losing sleep, comfort, and possibly friends to sing the praises of the Red One. They shall not be forgotten in the annals of history (truth time, I originally typed "anals"...)

And on the other side of the proverbial coin we have the "bad guys" - the folks who have shown their true colors and all of them are poopy green. Of course, there is the Evil Lord Chin, who claims to be innocent - but then again he also claims to be funny, so you can see how trustworthy he is...... There is the Zucker the Short, who makes decisions with such mind-blowing stupidity that he just might be declared a disaster area... Also riding in the "dark posse" are Jerry Seinfeld, a Leno supporter but also a developer of prime-time crappola... Oprah Winfrey, who should know better than to invite one kid over to play when the other is still grounded....Bill Mahr, who has an opinion and mistakenly believes people want him to share it....Kirstie Alley, who should be grateful she pops up in a monologue now and again, otherwise people might think she exploded and died....And new to the gang is the possible (?) addition of Max Weinberg, who has a huge amount of damage control to do.....And a presence of spine to prove.

So we have our armies in place, and Conan is about to embark on a self-appointed quest. Only the future knows how this all will play out, but of course it seems most sensible to root for the good guy.....And if I remember my fairy tales correctly, the victor usually ends up with a late-night deal on Fox. But that may just be an entirely different story.....

Act casual...but....IT'S ALMOST HERE!!!!

Way, way back on February 22nd, I wrote about the rumor that was floating around cyberspace which stated Conan O'Brien might possibly take his show on the road. You remember February, don't you? Sure ya do....think back to the half-eaten box of Valentine's candy stashed under your pillow, the chill of winter, the premiere of Cop Out... So much has changed since then. Like it is Spring now. I am sure Cop Out will be on DVD by the end of this week. And Conan not only announced his tour, but he sold out most of the shows the very same day. And as I type this late on the evening of April 6th, the date for the first stop on the tour is only six days away!

Six days!!!! I actually just peed my pants a little....

I have been trying to think of an event to which I could compare this feeling of impending awesomeness, and so far I have come up short. It is unlike buying tickets for any other random show....this is a first time, possibly ONLY time kind of deal. The content of said show is heretofore unknown (except to insiders like Bley, and that bastard's not talking!) Not to mention for over an entire month his fans thought that it might be September or longer before we could see our beloved funnyman in action. Now, he's coming to us and he's coming SOON! Yikes! (What am I going to wear??)

So, it's not just a show, it's an honest to God life-altering event. Like what, like Prom? Okay, yeah, you have to buy tickets and anticipate its arrival for quite a long time, but you don't need to spend way too much on clothes and flowers and it probably won't turn out to be the suckiest night of anyone's life. Like a wedding?? Weddings have nasty local bands and cheap beer. This promises to be a night of quality entertainment, and I am sure the beer I'll be sneaking in will be top notch. Like having a baby? It had BETTER the hell not be like having a baby! That "magical event" is messy and painful and I can't drink for like 18 months! Hells to the no!!

At the risk of sounding sacrilegious, the closest thing I can think of is like some sort of Rapture, wherein true believers experience the return of their long-awaited and beloved divine being . Except without the whole "end of days" drama, and with better seating. And no lasting effect on one's soul except the memories of a truly amazing night. Reading this idea over, however, I fear it sounds a little overblown...Even I realize Conan is no Jesus Christ. Jesus hasn't harnessed the power of Twitter yet.

So how exactly does one describe what it feels like to know that Conan will shortly be accessible to his multitudes of fans who have been sadly counting the days without him? I don't know if it can really be done, but I'll try....It is part giddiness, part pride, part orgasm, part nausea, all rolled up into a big ol' ball of OH MY GOD!! ....Set to music and lit by professionals.

Sounds pretty good, eh? I wonder what kinds of words are used to describe a night of "comedy" *cough* with Jay Leno? Oh, I remember..... Free Buffet.....

(editors note: Before publishing, the date clicked over to April 7th, making the first concert date technically 5 days away......Somebody hold me!)

Confession is good for the soul AND the large intestine

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned...it has been a long time since my last blog. Since this is Good Friday, I figured it would be as good a time as any to clear my conscience, while at the same time blathering on in the big, impressive words which I love and often use out of context. It's kind of win-win for me, Father....you understand.
So I've been very introspective as of late, and spent some time thinking about the deep philosophical questions that plague us all: What is the true meaning of RIKSHAZ9LIRK? Am I really gonna go to hell when I die? (Even if I don't do the clapping part?) How can I work harder, be more kind, and get Tweets to come straight to my cell phone? While I ponder these things, I do try to be a good, upstanding and funny American being. That's the Conan way, isn't it Father?
But of course, that's all the "good" stuff. People always always paint themselves in the best possible light before they start dragging out the evil little secrets, don't they Father? So yeah, I've been good, but I've also been a very, very naughty girl. No, not in the pay-per-view way, put those beads down!! No, I have been harboring evil thoughts in my heart pertaining to a certain network and folks who work for said network. I try not to, try really hard to stay positive and not let the bastards get me down! Oops, excuse my French there, Padre....Anyway, Conan always says (well, he said once but I watch it over and over) not to be cynical, but when it comes to this certain group of folks I just can help but want to see the worst happen to them. Is that bad?
Details? Well...okay. As for the network itself, I want it to implode in upon itself. I want them to have the worst programming, the sorriest excuse for shows, and the lamest ad campaigns EVER. And you know the scary part?? It is HAPPENING! I am afraid I am becoming a powerful force in the universe, because as I wish these terrible things, they come true. And it makes me joyful and just a little giddy.....Er...sorry.
And then there is this one guy who I have spent a lot of time hating. And I never hate anybody Father, seriously! I forgave the kid in the third grade who accidentally hit me with that tether ball twelve times, in the same game, and I wasn't even playing....I forgave the guy who asked me to prom and then remembered he had to help his mom knit a sweater for his sick grandma, and then I found out he is allergic to yarn....I forgave that boss I had who fired me because she didn't like the sound of my breathing or the fact that I was doing so.....And yet I can't forgive this guy, this....evil incarnate who thinks he's funny and makes me want to puke up Dortitos from 1985. I really want to let go of the anger - I know it isn't doing me any good. I try to ignore him, don't go anywhere NEAR him, yet he keeps putting himself out in my field of vision.... And I want to ever-so ironically run him down in a mint-condition classic car.
There is another guy, too, a guy who has a "big job" in the terrible network of which I spoke. He was personally responsible for a lot of the anger I feel right now. I kind of gave up on despising him, though, because karma seems to be paying him a visit of late. As I said, his network is suffering, his job is in jeopardy, and he wakes up every morning a little shorter and balder....By summer he'll be the ugly,angry version of Verne Troyer....
So maybe there is hope for me Father. Maybe, as the bad juju that these folks have brought upon themselves plays out, I will feel vindicated and will no longer be so hateful. Mmmm...what's that? Vindication is not a good thing? Only forgiveness is?? Okay, well then, in that case......
Nope, sorry, can't do it. I'm not that big a person. Let Gandhi and Mother Teresa and Conan be the forgiving ones.....I'll stay flawed and spiteful, thank you very much, and wait for that glorious day when vengeance is mine and the dick wads get what they have coming to them.... Now don't cry Father, you're getting your Deuteronomy all wet....