Being a nobody has its privileges

Some of my earliest childhood memories involve standing in front of the bathroom mirror, practicing for my interview with Johnny Carson. I was never really sure what I would do to garner such an amazing happenstance, all I knew was that I had better practice....just in case. By the time I was twelve, I was pretty sure that I needed to become an actress, because that seemed to be the vocation that would most certainly land me beside Johnny's desk. I wrote myself a little "contract" with an actual time line of how it would all play out. How old I would be when I got my first role, won my first Oscar, etc. I don't have the contract anymore, so I can't quote what my actual goals were...but I have to give my adolescent self props for such fearless optimism, particularly considering I didn't have any actual acting skills, nor the ability to perform in front of actual people. But in my bathroom, in front of that mirror....I was a star!!
In retrospect, I think things actually turned out for the best. No, I never did act. No, I never did get onto that iconic couch. My life took a quieter path. I have had some stunning personal accomplishments, none of which would land me on late-night TV.... And in most ways I am very glad. Because fame eluded me, I have never had to live my life in the harsh scrutiny of millions of strangers. And most importantly, I still have my soul.....more on that later....
But I still love to watch these shows, to see what my favorite stars have to say. A part of me would like to believe that it a simple arrangement of friendly celebs dropping by to chat in the same easy way I pop in to my friends' houses.....A little chit chat, a little joking around. In reality, of course, it is all business, with behind-the-scenes wranglings and anxious managers yelling into their cell phones until they feel sharp pains in their temples and/or down their right arms.... Celebrities are commodities to be advertised, and talk shows are flashy infomercials. There is very little free-will when it comes to plugging the latest project in a famous person's life. And although I understand this as a fact, I can't wrap my head around it as a compassionate, sensible human being.
You see, I have to believe that most celebs are real people somewhere deep down. Some are mostly plastic, and you have to scratch REALLY deep, but there is blood and brain in there somewhere. Most of them have to see Jay Leno for the crap weasel he really is. They have to feel that Conan was robbed, and that the whole situation stinks like last week's salmon souffle'... What "Hollywood" will tell you is that these celebs are professionals, and while they may not agree with what has transpired, they will put all personal opinions aside to do their required jobs. To this, I ask - why?? Celebrity is the only profession in the world that takes place with an immediate audience....why not make your actions count? If you think Leno sucks, SAY Leno sucks. Don't go on his show!! Will Ferrell has been the only star so far with the cajones to say that if Leno calls, he'll be "sick." I think this should spawn a major epidemic in LA LA land....one where those with souls have an immediate allergic reaction to "male cow feces", and as such have to stay away from Burbank and vicinity. Now, I am not naive enough to believe that this will put Leno out of business altogether, for I know there are several famous types who HAVE no soul....they've played the Tinsel Town game long enough that they traded it in for just a touch more longevity. You know the ones I am talking about...they rabidly chase the spotlight around years after they basked in it, wanting just one more chance, one more close up, Mr DeMille..... They actually belong next to Leno's desk, these Ghosts of Fame Past, for they have much in common with their host, and much to talk about....