Forgive me Father, for I have sinned...it has been a long time since my last blog. Since this is Good Friday, I figured it would be as good a time as any to clear my conscience, while at the same time blathering on in the big, impressive words which I love and often use out of context. It's kind of win-win for me, Father....you understand.
So I've been very introspective as of late, and spent some time thinking about the deep philosophical questions that plague us all: What is the true meaning of RIKSHAZ9LIRK? Am I really gonna go to hell when I die? (Even if I don't do the clapping part?) How can I work harder, be more kind, and get Tweets to come straight to my cell phone? While I ponder these things, I do try to be a good, upstanding and funny American being. That's the Conan way, isn't it Father?
But of course, that's all the "good" stuff. People always always paint themselves in the best possible light before they start dragging out the evil little secrets, don't they Father? So yeah, I've been good, but I've also been a very, very naughty girl. No, not in the pay-per-view way, put those beads down!! No, I have been harboring evil thoughts in my heart pertaining to a certain network and folks who work for said network. I try not to, try really hard to stay positive and not let the bastards get me down! Oops, excuse my French there, Padre....Anyway, Conan always says (well, he said once but I watch it over and over) not to be cynical, but when it comes to this certain group of folks I just can help but want to see the worst happen to them. Is that bad?
Details? Well...okay. As for the network itself, I want it to implode in upon itself. I want them to have the worst programming, the sorriest excuse for shows, and the lamest ad campaigns EVER. And you know the scary part?? It is HAPPENING! I am afraid I am becoming a powerful force in the universe, because as I wish these terrible things, they come true. And it makes me joyful and just a little giddy.....Er...sorry.
And then there is this one guy who I have spent a lot of time hating. And I never hate anybody Father, seriously! I forgave the kid in the third grade who accidentally hit me with that tether ball twelve times, in the same game, and I wasn't even playing....I forgave the guy who asked me to prom and then remembered he had to help his mom knit a sweater for his sick grandma, and then I found out he is allergic to yarn....I forgave that boss I had who fired me because she didn't like the sound of my breathing or the fact that I was doing so.....And yet I can't forgive this guy, this....evil incarnate who thinks he's funny and makes me want to puke up Dortitos from 1985. I really want to let go of the anger - I know it isn't doing me any good. I try to ignore him, don't go anywhere NEAR him, yet he keeps putting himself out in my field of vision.... And I want to ever-so ironically run him down in a mint-condition classic car.
There is another guy, too, a guy who has a "big job" in the terrible network of which I spoke. He was personally responsible for a lot of the anger I feel right now. I kind of gave up on despising him, though, because karma seems to be paying him a visit of late. As I said, his network is suffering, his job is in jeopardy, and he wakes up every morning a little shorter and balder....By summer he'll be the ugly,angry version of Verne Troyer....
So maybe there is hope for me Father. Maybe, as the bad juju that these folks have brought upon themselves plays out, I will feel vindicated and will no longer be so hateful. Mmmm...what's that? Vindication is not a good thing? Only forgiveness is?? Okay, well then, in that case......
Nope, sorry, can't do it. I'm not that big a person. Let Gandhi and Mother Teresa and Conan be the forgiving ones.....I'll stay flawed and spiteful, thank you very much, and wait for that glorious day when vengeance is mine and the dick wads get what they have coming to them.... Now don't cry Father, you're getting your Deuteronomy all wet....
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